So, the lineup has been announced and the countdown has begun to that date which hums with so much resonance, 7th July 2007, and the Live Earth concerts.
It is very hard to criticise the intentions of the organisers of this massive global event, but the sheer numbing weight of stodgy rock piled upon bland pop balanced on, crikey, “the funk” in this lineup is enough to give anyone cause for complaint.
Take a look at the list of “talent” for the Wembley concert. Events like this surely need a rich mix of light and shade, melody and bombast, even, dare I say it, leather and lace. The flatness and uniformity of this list would please the most conservative of NASA engineers. It is dull to the point of absurdity. If this concert is to be televised then they better have a Rock & Pop Consultant on the staff lest they fatally confuse David Gray and Damien Rice – one a droning balladeer of heartbroken bedsit dirges, the other a droning balladeer….etc. Following on immediatelyafterwards there will be a Snow Patrol/Keane/James Blunt supergroup once-in-a-lifetime live mashup (until the next charity event supergroup once-in-a-lifetime live mashup) wherein they will try to create a heartwrenching melancholy ballad so stirring and soaring that it will add an extra strata to our atmosphere, safeguarding our children for centuries to come. The by-product of this, unfortunately, will be a million Lambrini-soaked girls sobbing so long and hard that sea-levels will rise around the globe, wiping out arable land, conurbations and up to 5% of the world’s population.
Next up, Duran Duran, who are legally contracted to appear at every Wembley charity event until either 2058, or when Simon Le Bum becomes too fat and bloated to get up on the stage, whichever comes first. The organisers are currently discussing whether to make the Diana Memorial Concert tickets interchangeable with Live Earth tickets, and there are even plans to keep all the acts playing in rotation for the full week between the two gigs. After Madonna has brought out a field full of failed crops for the audience to gaze upon while she performs yet another bionic bodypop disco twatathon, the Chilli Peppers will round things off in suicidal fashion with their “unique brand of funk” (TM).
A couple of points – obviously Live Earth is targeting the wedge-walleted conscience-stricken 30-something group, in the most cynical exploitation of a demographic since the ad industry worked out gay men had a spare quid or two to spend. Those wilfully offloading the green pound are desperate to secure their offspring at least a fighting chance in an atmosphere which will undoubtedly be gasping for oxygen after half a century of planet-killing rock and roll extravagance such as never-ending tours by Madonna, The Rolling Stones and U2, where hundreds of tons of equipment and personnel are flown, driven and shipped thousands of miles around the earth for the enjoyment of rock fans everywhere.
The most depressing thing is the sad inevitability of the wall-to-wall television and radio coverage, the constant barely disguised advertising dressed up as news items, the bands backstage giving interviews while simultaneously recycling their own urine, spit and sweat to power the amps for the next bands set, and the “making of…” documentaries about how the day was organised, how the clashing egos of Bailey Rae and Paolo Nutini almost put the mockers on the whole thing – at one point they were going to have to build an exact replica of Wembley right next door as both artists insisted on playing in their own venue. The “making of…” will, of course, be shown almost concurrently with the live concert, and will be presented by Fern Cotton who will also interview Tony Blair using only the words “wicked”, “green”, “kids”, “Cameron” and “cool”.
Galling, too, is the fact that events like this cost the artists absolutely nothing, while fans are asked to shell out vast sums of money just for the chance to stand in a monstrous stadium holding their wee in all day. It’s also hard to gauge how successfully this gig will raise the profile of the climate change lobby. Obviously anything we can do to help raise awareness is a good thing, but by targeting such a narrow market with these dreary marquee names there’s a huge possibility that this day will result in a groundswell towards the political party making the most noise about their new found environmental conscience. That’s currently David Cameron and the Tory party, and God only knows what else he’s got up his sleeve if he ever seizes Downing Street.
So, let’s Save Our Selves. But f*ck Live Earth. F*ck Bloc Party. F*ck Keane. F*ck Duran Duran. And especially f*ck Black Eyed Peas.
